Thursday, July 26, 2012

O is for Overdue.

Today, a bill got drawn from a ballot. The most important bill. The bill that takes the 'you're wrong' out of 'you're different'. The bill that equalises. The bill that humanises. The bill that says 'we see you'. The bill that says 'we hear you'. The bill that says 'we welcome you'. The bill that says nothing, because there is nothing to say. Love is love. People are people. Joy is joy. Commitment is commitment. Right is right.

Below is an email I wrote to my local MP earlier today. Take a second and write to yours. Let your voice of reason be the first they hear. It's in their hands, which is terrifying, but it's up to us to do what we can.

Hi Todd,

My name is Amy.

I know MPs are very busy people so I promised myself I'd only email you once during the 2011 term, and only if it was something really, really important. Well, much as I hate to use up my email so early in the game, I can't imagine anything requiring me to email you more urgently than the marriage equality bill that was drawn today.

I see from your profile that you're married, and that's wonderful. And four kids! I can't even imagine.. But I'm getting off track. As you’re a clear supporter of marriage, I'm just writing to make sure that you're going to go the right way on this marriage equality thing. And even though I'm sure that you don't need me to clarify, the right way is to grant equal rights to every New Zealander.

Being gay is hard in New Zealand. Shit, it's hard pretty much everywhere. That's how we can tell that people don't choose to be gay, because it's not actually all that fun most of the time. Best case scenario, people stare. Worst case scenario, they yell. They hit. Sometimes, they kill. Families disown children. But people just keep on being gay! It's almost like they can't help it.

Should people be discriminated against for something they cannot help? Can we really tell people that the way that they love, the way they were born to love, is wrong? Can you really say that you’re better, deserve more rights than people who are attracted to those of the same sex? Can you really say you’re better and deserve more rights than anyone?

Some people say that allowing homosexuals to marry will 'ruin' or 'cheapen' marriage. I'm sure I don't need to tell you the divorce rate. I'm sure I don't need to entertain you with stories both from my personal life and the media about heterosexual couples ruining and cheapening marriage all on their own. I'm sure I also don't need to tell you about the gay couples that have stayed together five, ten, twenty times as long as these shams of marriages. All those homosexual couples who are married in everything but name: the name you now have the power to give them.

Do the right thing, Todd. Speak for me, for us, with your vote. Take, on behalf of us all, a giant step in the right direction.

I believe in you.


Wednesday, July 25, 2012

N is for Nzuri.

Nzuri is Swahili. It means 'good, nice, easy to like'.

First, some things that are good, nice, and easy to like THAT START WITH 'N'. Meta as, yo.


Nuggets (chicken)


New Zealand






Nails that are painted to look like a giraffe


Finally, some things that are good, nice, and easy to like that do not start with N but are nzuri all the same:

Good, nice, and easy to like song. Best.

Good, nice, and easy to like bestie

Good, nice, and easy to like boyfriend

Good, nice, and easy to like munmy

Good, nice, and easy to like future wife

Natalie Portman again because oh my godd.

Thursday, July 19, 2012

M is for Mitch Hedberg.

Mitch Hedburg would be the funniest man on the planet, except he’s dead.

Whenever I tell anyone about Mitch, I make sure his death is mentioned in the third sentence at the absolute latest. This is because when my darling ex-boyfriend introduced me to Mitch, he forgot to mention that he was dead. He even kept coming up with ‘new’ Mitch, which I assumed to mean ‘things he made since that last one we listened to’ rather than ‘his older stuff hidden in a deep corner of the internet that I hadn’t come across before’. We’re talking, like, months, that I loved Mitch Hedberg and had no idea that he was dead. Then, one day, we were planning some fantasy trip to America, and I was like “We could go see Mitch Hedberg!” and my ex laughed and said “Um, good luck with that, he’s dead.”


I actually haven’t recovered. I can’t believe I didn’t break up with him on the spot.

Anyway. To save others the horror of falling utterly and irrevocably in love with him only to find out later that he is no more, I always introduce the death concept early. Mitch Hedberg died of a cocaine/heroin overdose on March 29, 2005.


Despite the fact that he is no longer with us, Mitch remains my favourite comedian. I will share with you ten of my favourite of his ‘jokes’, but I strongly recommend you listen to them yourself because most of the beauty is in the delivery.

My top ten, in no particular order:

  1. My belt holds up my pants and my pants have belt loops that hold up the belt. What the fuck’s really goin on down there? Who is the real hero?
  2. Sometimes I wave to people I don't know. It's very dangerous to wave to someone you don't know because, what if they don't have a hand? They'll think you're cocky. "Look what I got motherfucker! This thing is useful. I'm gonna go pick something up!"
  3. The only way I could get my old CD into a store is if I were to take one in and leave it. Then the guys says, "Sir, you forgot this!" "No, I did not. That is for sale. Please alphabetize it.
  4. My manager saw me drinking backstage and he said "Mitch, don't use liquor as a crutch." I can't use liquor as a crutch, because a crutch helps me walk. Liquor severely fucks up the way I walk. It ain't like a crutch, it's like a step I didn't see.
  5. I've got an oscillating fan at my house. The fan goes back and forth. It looks like the fan is saying "No". So I like to ask it questions that a fan would say "no" to. "Do you keep my hair in place? Do you keep my documents in order? … Do you have 3 settings? Liar!" My fan fucking lied to me. Now I will pull the pin up. Now you ain't sayin' shit.
  6. When you go to a restaurant on the weekends and it's busy they start a waiting list. They start calling out names, they say "Dufresne, party of two. Dufresne, party of two." And if no one answers they'll say their name again. "Dufresne, party of two, Dufresne, party of two." But then if no one answers they'll just go right on to the next name. "Bush, party of three." Yeah, what happened to the Dufresnes? No one seems to give a shit. Who can eat at a time like this? People are missing! You fuckers are selfish. The Dufresnes are in someone's trunk right now, with duct tape over their mouths. And they're hungry. That's a double whammy. Bush, search party of three, you can eat when you find the Dufresnes.
  7. I just bought a 2-bedroom house, but I think I get to decide how many bedrooms there are, don't you? "Fuck you, real estate lady! This bedroom has an oven in it! This bedroom's got a lot of people sitting around watching TV. This bedroom's over in that guy's house! Sir, you have one of my bedrooms, are you aware? Don't decorate it!"
  8. An escalator can never break, it can only become stairs. You would never see an "Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order" sign, just "Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience. We apologize for the fact that you can still get up there."
  9. My lucky number is four billion. That doesn't come in real handy when you're gambling. "Come on four billion! Fuck! Seven. Not even close. I need some more dice. Four billion divided by six... at least. Snake eyes!" I just said "snake eyes." That's a gambling term. Or it's a animal term too.
  10. I saw this commercial on late night TV, it was for this thing you attach to a garden hose, it was like "You can water your hard-to-reach plants with this product." Who the fuck would make their plants hard to reach? That seems so very mean. "I know you need water, but I'm gonna make you hard to reach! I will throw water at you. Hopefully they will invent a product before you shrivel and die! Think like a cactus!"
I love you Mitch please come back from the dead and say more things. xoxo

Friday, July 13, 2012

L is for Liam and Chris Hemsworth.

We'll just get right into it.

I don't think much needs to be said.

See also, some other excellent L-babes.

What? It's not my fault that the best picture of Lea Michele also had Dianna Agron in it.. ahem.

Wednesday, July 4, 2012

K is for Kisses.

I have started three 'K is for...' blogs. The first, 'K is for Kotahitanga' was about Metiria's speech at the Green Party AGM in Wellington a month ago. The second, 'K is for Ka Kite Ano' and was about my bestie moving overseas. The third, 'K is for Kittens', was born on a terrible day that was improved immeasurably by people on Twitter sending me cute pictures of kittens, and I wanted to share the joy.

Today, K is for Kisses.

My first kiss went to a boy called Sam. I was fourteen, and he was home for the university holidays. I was fairly sure I loved him, and fairly intent on gifting him my virginity. We kissed once, and it was bewilderingly unerotic. In fact, the whole experience was so utterly uninspiring that my second kiss didn't come until two years later, and later still I gave my virginity to an utter asshat from Hamilton.

Of best kisses, I have two. The first took place in 2006, in the tiny bathroom of my university hostel. The second took place in 2012, on a little wooden pier on Lake Rotorua. They were both incredibly perfect and incredibly important. I have had many most excellent kisses, but those two, I think, will always be top.

I do not have a favourite movie kiss. I do, however, have two favourite TV kisses.

Okay so that last one is more like a series of kisses but I think we can all agree that it's all sorts of wonderful. 

That is all I have to say about kisses, except that I hope the rest of mine all come from this guy